HAVE YOU EVER LOST A HAT?
By Barbara Silkstone
I lost everything including my home, my car, and even my
retirement accounts. I was physically attacked inside and outside a court
building. My daughter and baby granddaughter were threatened. I came at the bad
guys like a mother tiger.
A few years earlier I had agreed to testify against a real
estate developer in a civil racketeering case. He was obscenely rich and could
afford a hanger full of Lear jets, four sneering lawyers, and a greedy judge.
In an effort to discredit my testimony in his
upcoming trial and to frighten me out of appearing against him, his team of
legal manipulators pasted together a bogus suit against me designed to keep me
tied up in court and unable to function. They underestimated my sense of
justice.
I’d been sitting on the witness stand for the better part of
a day… one of many in my five-year “trial.”
The judge, forgetting her microphone was on, had just proclaimed me “a pretty
tough cookie.” I’d given up expecting justice. It was much too late for
fairness. I was in an out-of-body state observing my own funeral and laughing
about it.
When the four-hundred pound lawyer asked me if I’d ever lost
a hat, I thought one of us had lost our minds. I was pretty sure it wasn’t me. He
blinked as if he realized the absurdity of what he asked and dropped the line
of inquiry. The question struck my funny bone and sent me into giggle-fits. And
that was the moment when The Secret Diary
of Alice in Wonderland, Age 42 and Three-Quarters was born.
Within a few months the lawyers I hired to help me sucked up
every penny I could muster. When I was broke, they walked off the case. Unlike
in criminal cases, defendants in civil litigation must pay for their own
attorneys. No money – no lawyers. I was on my own. I needed to defend myself.
But how when the case was nonsense? How do you fight silly? The lost hat question was a perfect example
of the charges brought against me. But the more ridiculous their charges, the
stronger and feistier I grew. For each thing they threw at me, I came back that
much harder, roaring and taking notes for my someday book.
Since I was a child my driving passion has been to write. In
Catholic grade school I started an underground newspaper. When our nun forbade
me to continue, I carried the paper further underground. While I continued to
write as an adult, life eventually got in the way of living and my writing took
a backseat. But now as I sat in the courtroom I was inspired and chomping at
the bit to get this real-life fairytale on paper.
Anger boiled in me as I saw the precious time I had carved
out for writing being eaten up as I defended myself in bizarre proceedings. I
was spending all my time in the law library studying the Rules of Civil
Procedure in order to write Motions and Pleadings and filing them against the
court in such rapid fire I would have made Rambo back off.
Earning a living on commission sales is impossible when you
are spending 14 hours a day fighting a pack of legal sharks. I had to take the
creepiest part-time jobs… things that still give me nightmares. Things like
working for a gold broker who brought us the teeth from dead people. We were
expected to separate the gold from the molars – not unlike the lawyers I was
dealing with. I needed the money but not that badly. I ran to the nearest exit.
Locked in a deadly struggle with the notorious real estate
developer, I chose that time to become romantically involved with a Brit who,
it turned out was not what he seemed to be. I stepped into the perfect storm.
The Brit’s upper-class accent and polished manners hid a not-too-clever conman,
but clever enough to fool my starry eyes. The developer and the conman clashed
in a rage of wicked deeds. I was sandwiched between them.
Is The Secret Diary of
Alice in Wonderland, Age 42 and Three-Quarters true? Would Lewis Carroll
say Alice in Wonderland was true? The
emotions are real and still raw, but the journey was worth the results. Would I
do it again? You bet your tushie. My sense of justice would not permit
otherwise. But I would not be quite so naïve. I would expect slimy tricks and
dirty pool. Merely because someone wears a robe and speaks of the law does not
mean they abide by the law.
“The Hail Mary Pass” refers to any very long forward pass
made in desperation with only a small chance of success. It’s used in football
and occasionally courtrooms.
My Hail Mary Pass knocked the bad guys on their butts. I
filed a Petition for a Writ of Certiorari, which is a request to the United
States Supreme Court asking that Court to review the decision of a lower court.
I cast a spotlight on their dark shenanigans.
And as my Petition worked its way along the queue in the
United States Supreme Court, making it almost to the finish line, the judge on
my case went strangely silent, the notorious developer disappeared, and the
Brit wandered off. I had become a writer
but not in the way I had envisioned. I was a self-taught legal guerrilla who
had managed to land her petition to be heard by the highest court in the United
States… right through the goal post. Unfortunately, in the end corruption won
and I barely escaped with a toothbrush and a change of clothes.
Were those five years tough? Yes. But I fought because I knew
I couldn’t live with myself if I rolled into a ball. I fought with the wit and
sarcasm of Alice in the original Alice in
Wonderland. Standing on the outside watching the Jabberwocky operate on the inside. I knew that someday my story, fictionalized
with absolutely no resemblance to anyone living or dead and the names changed
to protect the corrupt, would make a darn good yarn. And each step of the way,
like Lewis Carroll and my out-of-body ordeal, I would allow the action to the
skate on the edge of logic.
In The Secret Diary of
Alice in Wonderland, Age 42 and Three-Quarters, a few murders have been
thrown in for comic relief, and the characters have been shaken and stirred, then presented in a Pythonesque
light. Any similarities to the jerks I dealt with are purely coincidental.
Have I ever lost a hat?
Probably.
But did I retain my
passion for writing, and even kick it up a notch? Absolutely.
Every adventure contains
a novel.
Sometime you have to pay
dearly for it.
~
Quoting the Cheshire Cat:
"Would you
tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" (Alice)
"That depends
a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much
care where---" said Alice.
"Then it
doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"---So long as
I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh you're
sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
This is one story
from Indie Chicks: 25 Women 25 Personal Stories available on Amazon and Barnes
& Noble. To read all the stories buy your copy today. All proceeds go to
fund breast cancer research.
About the Author
Barbara
Silkstone is the best-selling author of The Fractured Fairy Tales series that
currently includes: The Secret Diary of
Alice in Wonderland, Age 42 and Three-Quarters; Wendy and the Lost Boys;
and London Broil.
Silkstone’s writing has
been described as “perfectly paced and pitched – shades of Janet Evanovich and
Carl Hiaasen – without seeming remotely derivative. Fast moving action that
shoots from the hip with bullet-proof characterization.”
Wendy and the Lost Boys
topped the charts in comedy, climbing over Tina Fey, Sophie Kinsella, and Ellen
DeGeneres. The Secret Diary of Alice in Wonderland, Age 42 and Three-Quarters
has been a consistent best seller in comedy. Both Wendy and Alice have been in
the top 20 Amazon comedies at the same time. Silkstone has been fortunate
enough to take part in writing workshops with Stephen King, Robert B. Parker,
and James Michener. She lives in South Florida but has no time to visit the
beach.
Fractured Fairy Tales by Silkstone
Criminally Funny Fables
The Secret Diary of
Alice in Wonderland, Age 42 and Three-Quarters
This author has a unique
narrative voice, and reading the story is like taking a smooth slide into
Alice’s surreal world. The premise is outstanding – a classic we all love, with
a contemporary, intelligent twist.
~ Elizabeth
Lindberg, author Upper West Side Stories
Purchase for your Kindle
at: Amazon
Wendy and the Lost Boys
Be aware, this is not
the Peter Pan story you want your kids reading. It is clearly intended for
adult readers. Yet it appeals to the childlike part of us that loved the
classic original stories. Combine that childlike love with modern politics and
technology, and you get this smart, snarky, hilarious mystery. The story is
richly developed and leaves you guessing until the very end. I am liking this
grown-up version of Peter Pan even more than the original. ~ Tiffany Harkleroad for Tiffany’s Bookshelf
Purchase for your Kindle
at: Amazon
London Broil — the
sequel to Wendy and the Lost Boys
The snarky Python sequel
to Wendy and the Lost Boys. A murderous rollercoaster ride through London
during a killer heat wave. ~ Ravan Reviews
Purchase for your Kindle
at: Amazon
Zo White – coming Summer 2012
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