The
Phoenix and the Darkness
I've been running
from The Darkness since I left home at the age of 17. I escaped a broken family to the military,
found it unwelcoming to creative non-conformists but fulfilled my
commitment. The first man I dated was a
drunkard who suffered from post traumatic stress disorder; the second raped
me. The rest of my time in the military
was a blur of men, the different places I lived and The Darkness stalking me. At the end of my tour, I set my world on fire
to keep the Darkness away, abandoned everything and everyone, and emerged from
the flames like the mythical Phoenix. I ran
home to Ohio. I didn’t stay long and
continued onward to New York, where I reinvented myself for a very brief period
of contentedness.
It didn’t last. Darkness, fire, rebirth, and a few years, men
and states later, I ended up in the arms of yet another unworthy man. I followed him to DC, bore the mental abuse,
and tried to tell myself this was the best life would ever get.
I took a job in a
field I didn't care for and ended up running from job-to-job-to-job, unable to
find a place where I was happy. I was
hit by a drunk driver at 26, leaving me with a long lifetime of constant
pain. I had a miscarriage, gave all my
money to the unworthy man and couldn't pay my bills despite the good job. I moved from Virginia to Maryland and back to
Virginia, unable to shake the pursuing Darkness. Finally, I put all my belongings in storage,
ready to set my word afire and flee once again.
I worked up the nerve
to ditch the dysfunctional man, but before I could run far, I met the man who
would become my first husband. He wanted
normal things: stability, house, family. I convinced myself if I had these things, the
Darkness would be gone. He needed a
mother, not a wife, but I married him anyway and prayed it was enough.
It wasn't. I set my world afire once more, and I fled
him, too. I put everything I valued in
my truck, grabbed the dog, and left. Away
from DC, the east coast, everything I owned, my first husband. I ran to Texas to a new job and divorced the
first husband. Yet again, I was
reborn. Soon after, I met my soul
mate. Some part of me knew I couldn’t
keep running if I wanted to keep him. I turned
around to see if The Darkness still chased me. After fifteen years of running, The Darkness
was closer than ever.
I told the man who
would become my second husband to stay away from me – I was dangerous. He saw The Darkness, and he saw me.
You’re brilliant and beautiful. I love you, Darkness and all, he said. But if you don’t deal with it and accept the
fate for which you were put on this earth, you’ll be consumed by it.
I couldn’t yet face
the Darkness even with his support, but I could see how wrong my path was. My path wasn't a career I loathed, and it
wasn't ignoring my true gift: writing.
So I worked full time and wrote full time. I found true joy for the first time in my
life, but The Darkness got too close. I
ran away from that job - the only job I'd ever remotely enjoyed. This time, I kept my only ally in life - my
guardian angel and partner.
I took a new job in a
new state. With my husband and my
writing, I saw The Darkness recede, and I grew happy. Instead of looking over my shoulder, I
started looking into the future. I vowed
to run towards something instead of away from something. I wasn’t just reborn – I was alive for the first time in my life.
And then, this past summer,
I tripped. The Darkness swallowed me. As in one of my upcoming novels, The Darkness
turned me inside out. I couldn't go to
work and could barely leave the house.
It pinned me beneath it, and the more I tried to run, the heavier it
got. Everything I'd run from in life was
there: my near-poverty upbringing; the breaking apart of my family when I was a
kid; my struggle with my weight and social anxiety issues; with finding
acceptance at any job; with men and dysfunctional relationships; the pending financial
disaster I'd been building; fear of failure and ending up as miserable as my
parents. I thought I'd suffocate, until
the Darkness spoke to me.
You can run again and risk losing the man you love,
or you can face me and be happy, it
said.
I want to be happy, I replied.
Then do what you must.
It's not that easy.
I'm scared.
Sometimes life only gives us difficult choices, but
you still must choose. I am a part of
you. You must accept me and deal with me before you can move on, it said.
I thought hard as I
looked at all the things I'd accumulated that were bankrupting me financially
and emotionally. I looked at what made
me happy in life: my husband and my writing.
I saw how I'd hurt my most precious treasures - and myself - by setting
my world on fire whenever The Darkness got too close.
This is gonna hurt, I told The Darkness.
Not for long, it said. You only have to do this once.
In that moment, I
made my choice. I would face The
Darkness within me, no matter how hard it was.
I loved my husband too much to hurt him more, and I was sick of being a
coward. I took a leave of absence in
early September to deal with my past as well as the depression and anxiety that
have haunted me my whole life. Writing
has always been my solace and my passion. Through it, I'll heal the world I
broke and my own soul, and become the partner my husband deserves.
The Phoenix will be
reborn once more, not of fire, but of Darkness, and will emerge stronger than
ever.
The "War of Gods" series by Lizzy Ford is a paranormal romance series depicting the ongoing struggle between good and evil - and the immortals and their human mates who are caught in the middle. The first book, "Damian's Oracle" (released October 2011) is the story of the White God and his Oracle, the cool beauty, Sofia. The second book, "Damian's Assassin," (released November 2011) is about the White God's assassin and the woman who heals his heart and body. The third book will be released 02 Dec and tells the tale of the White God's chief immortal and the mysterious, beautiful Magician he risks his life to protect.
Lizzy's info:
Damian’s Oracle (currently free on Amazon)
***
This is one story from Indie Chicks: 25 Women 25 Personal Stories available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. To read all of the stories, buy your copy today.
Also included are sneak peeks into 25 novels!
All proceeds go to the breast cancer research.
Love Lizzie's inspirational story, I feel privileged to be part of this group. ;-)
ReplyDeleteTalia,
ReplyDeleteLizzie's story is so inspiring. I've received lots of comment on my FB page regarding it.